I don't like the dentist.
I mean, I really, really don't like the dentist.
I even tell them this at my first appointment with them so everyone is clear where we all stand. My Mum would choose the path of least defence with me as a child because of the ensuing tears and carry on so my bottom teeth which really could've done with braces are sitting all crowded and tight. I'm O.K with this. Fortunately my top teeth are big enough to have pushed themselves into a somewhat straight alignment so I was able to stay braces free. All the dentist's breathe a sigh of relief! The drama really wouldn't have been worth it.
You can imagine then how delighted I was three months ago when I was told I needed root canal!
Me... root canal... no, no... I don't do needles and I really don't do drilling and I really don't do many dental appointments in one year. Thanks anyway!!!
Where did I need this root canal? Top FRONT tooth! They couldn't even just take it out. Drats!!!!
Well, I'm pleased to say I was very brave and with the help of iTunes, I've been mentally singing myself to my happy place as they poke and grind and drill and poke and grind and drill. I still have two more appointments to go but with each appointment I am getting braver and actually starting to like my dentist.
In the process of it all it's been discovered I grind my teeth. I hold so much tension in my jaw that I push my teeth together so much I end up with migraines and constant jaw pain. No biggie, I could probably live with that except I will continue to need root canal as each tooth literally cracks under the pressure!
Hmmmmmmmm. Tension. Pressure. Stress. Cracking.
Thanks Autism. I think this is your fault. It's amazing how well you can look like you are coping and on top of things and even consciously think you are doing well and then wham! Something like this reveals how much your body is really absorbing for you on a subconscious level.
Since being diagnosed with Post Natal Depression in 2008 and coming through that which was one of the hardest periods of my life, I learnt to be smart about how much I take on and how I approach fitting it all together. I would've said that I know myself well and can pace myself.
Enter Autism. I haven't really been able to control the pace nor what I can take on as it has just been put on me. I never know what I am waking up to each day. How smoothly or how rough the day is going to run. Some days are great days, easy even and the allure of the "normal" family teases us. Other days I wish I could just erase and pretend they didn't happen but you can't as you live with the aftershock for days following.
Autism is not a joy in our life. It is the opposite, it contrives to steal our joy. The truth is, Autism is damn hard work and picks a fight with us at every chance it gets.
We are learning to embrace the positive and to find an identity for our family with this blue shadow hovering over us. We are believing for better days and the perspective that it gives us enables us to appreciate more in life than we otherwise would have. We are learning to let go and trust in our Creator God, the Author of Life. We see it for what it is and are grateful for the lessons it is teaching us. I am learning to not compare. I am learning that every one has a story. I am learning that my son is worth fighting for. I am learning that I need to go to the dentist because I need to be in top working order.
So tonight I will sleep with a specially moulded mouth guard. Designed to protect me from grinding my teeth to the point of cracking. It doesn't take the cause of the stress away but it makes it easier for me to cope with it and for the moment that has to be enough.
My desire goes between patient and immediate as I wait for the blue shadow to loosen its grip and my heart is learning to rest in where it's hope comes from.
