To honour...

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

 - spoken by Atticus Finch, written by Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird 


Autism entered my life and everything changed.

I’m not sure how it impacted my son because he can’t talk. He can’t tell me if he felt a change. If what I saw happening to him is what really happened.

I saw a happy, bright boy disappear before my eyes to be replaced by a withdrawn, disconnected, hidden boy. I don’t know if that’s what really happened but that’s how it felt to me. I don’t know if the impact of that was as devastating to Harrison as it was to me because he can’t tell me.

I don’t know if he misses something he never really had in not being able to talk. I don’t know if he feels angry that he can’t play the way the other kids can. I don’t know if he feels sad that Christmas and birthdays are celebrated differently to other kids. I don’t know if he is scared that he is nearly eight and still wears nappies.  I don’t know if he hates having to go to a different school to his sister.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

My son and children like him  are seen as unanswerable questions. Mysteries too hard to solve. Society in its disdain for not having the answer resolves to put them to the side because the awkwardness of the unknown is too overwhelming. The result is families left in isolation with children being treated as objects placed where someone decides they fit best.

It hurts to be his Mum, his “person” and to not know. How can I fix it if I don’t know?

How can I not?

I am his Mum.  I am his “person”.

Because I call him “Son” I honour him. Because he was created to live in this time at this place by a Creator God that sacrificed all for him, I honour him.

I walk in his shoes. I get down on my knees and see the world from his view. I think how it would feel to be looked at that way. I hear how it is to be spoken to that way.

Above all the unanswered questions there is my son. A boy. A person with purpose and destiny. Not a mistake. Not an accident. He is not my “lot in life” that I have to carry.

And there it is. My life is again made richer and my place in this world more defined because of what he is teaching me.

Already...

Help!!! 

My eight year old has been taken over by a teenage wannabe!!! I am living with a walking string of attitude. 

One minute she is happy and sweet. Light just shines from her. The next a cloud descends and the spirit of “whatever” pours out. Her look changes and her eyes develop this unstoppable need to roll at everything I say.

I feel so under prepared for this. I wasn’t expecting it until she hit 10 years old at least. 

It’s confronting. It’s testing. It’s unnerving. 

My patience is stretched to the point of breaking and my will to live is sucked clean out of me! (sorry got a bit melodramatic there… must be in the air!)

It’s moments like this I am again made so aware of my need for God. This beautiful girl, who pulls on every part of my heart, is His gift to me. He has entrusted her into my care. He has given me all I need to speak into her life the grace and strength she needs to be all He has destined her to be. 

So with every changing minute of our time together I am blessed with the knowledge that I am equipped for the task by the One who knit her together in my womb. That He saw the end before I saw the beginning and that I can trust in Him the author and perfecter of faith.

You just never know...

I don't like the dentist.

I mean, I really, really don't like the dentist.

I even tell them this at my first appointment with them so everyone is clear where we all stand. My Mum would choose the path of least defence with me as a child because of the ensuing tears and carry on so my bottom teeth which really could've done with braces are sitting all crowded and tight. I'm O.K with this. Fortunately my top teeth are big enough to have pushed themselves into a somewhat straight alignment so I was able to stay braces free. All the dentist's breathe a sigh of relief! The drama really wouldn't have been worth it.

You can imagine then how delighted I was three months ago when I was told I needed root canal!

Me... root canal... no, no... I don't do needles and I really don't do drilling and I really don't do many dental appointments in one year. Thanks anyway!!!

Where did I need this root canal? Top FRONT tooth! They couldn't even just take it out. Drats!!!!

Well, I'm pleased to say I was very brave and with the help of iTunes, I've been mentally singing myself to my happy place as they poke and grind and drill and poke and grind and drill. I still have two more appointments to go but with each appointment I am getting braver and actually starting to like my dentist.

In the process of it all it's been discovered I grind my teeth. I hold so much tension in my jaw that I push my teeth together so much I end up with migraines and constant jaw pain.  No biggie, I could probably live with that except I will continue to need root canal as each tooth literally cracks under the pressure!

Hmmmmmmmm. Tension. Pressure. Stress. Cracking.

Thanks Autism. I think this is your fault. It's amazing how well you can look like you are coping and on top of things and even consciously think you are doing well and then wham! Something like this reveals how much your body is really absorbing for you on a subconscious level.

Since being diagnosed with Post Natal Depression in 2008 and coming through that which was one of the hardest periods of my life, I learnt to be smart about how much I take on and how I approach fitting it all together. I would've said that I know myself well and can pace myself.

Enter Autism. I haven't really been able to control the pace nor what I can take on as it has just been put on me. I never know what I am waking up to each day. How smoothly or how rough the day is going to run. Some days are great days, easy even and the allure of the "normal" family teases us. Other days I wish I could just erase and pretend they didn't happen but you can't as you live with the aftershock for days following.

Autism is not a joy in our life. It is the opposite, it contrives to steal our joy. The truth is, Autism is damn hard work and picks a fight with us at every chance it gets.

We are learning to embrace the positive and to find an identity for our family with this blue shadow hovering over us. We are believing for better days and the perspective that it gives us enables us to appreciate more in life than we otherwise would have. We are learning to let go and trust in our Creator God, the Author of Life. We see it for what it is and are grateful for the lessons it is teaching us. I am learning to not compare. I am learning that every one has a story. I am learning that my son is worth fighting for. I am learning that I need to go to the dentist because I need to be in top working order.

So tonight I will sleep with a specially moulded mouth guard. Designed to protect me from grinding my teeth to the point of cracking. It doesn't take the cause of the stress away but it makes it easier for me to cope with it and for the moment that has to be enough.

My desire goes between patient and immediate as I wait for the blue shadow to loosen its grip and my heart is learning to rest in where it's hope comes from.

Journey to Adventure

I'm going about my business today with a racing heart. Every now and then I catch myself holding my breath.

A little later today my man and I are getting in the ute, leaving our kiddos behind and driving down the highway to begin the beginnings of the next chapter in the story of our family.

It's an exploration mission. A "let's see what we can find" journey.

There is anticipation in the air. Excitement mixed with responsibility mixed with opportunity. We've walked this path before but each time is different as life doesn't stand still, it's always evolving, always changing.

So as we drive the highway, I'm praying our eyes will open to the little things our Father has hidden for us showing us the way He wants us to go. I'm grateful He goes ahead of us. I'm grateful all this is His doing.

My babies are with people who love them. Grandies who care for them with a fiercely protective love.

I can step into the adventure with an open heart full of peace and submission.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 

Which Mummy today?

I am struggling to believe it's already June! Half the year has nearly gone and I feel like it just started.

I have taken on some extra bits and pieces at my daughter's school this year and it seems it has just been one thing after another and it's June! There is so much happening this month on top of the regular that I find myself being extra tense and therefore extra snappy. I feel like the ordinary every day things are getting away from me and I am just running past glancing at what needs to be done instead of stopping and being able to get it done. And I HATE that! I can't handle that feeling of half doing things, it makes me feel incompetent and lazy. (I know, I clearly have issues!) Washing is left until it's an out of control pile, meals are cooked for convenience not enjoyment, clothes that should be mended are held together with safety pins and school notes are lost amongst piles of bills and "I really should read that" papers. This is not me! I  like order and everything having a place. I like clothes being washed and put away on the same day. I like being able to sit down at the end of the day knowing I got "the list" done. Not this month, no way!

Today, where I live is a public holiday, a day off for everyone. I woke up with one or two things that needed to get done. I determined Snappy Mummy wouldn't come today and that I would have a fun day with my kids while catching up on a few of those ordinary every day things. Well that lasted about two hours and then Snappy Mummy was back in full swing! I had to get something out of the cupboard in the play room, usually a no worries job, but because of all the extra and no time to get to it, the room has gotten way out of control and there was a mountain of "RUBBISH" (said loud enough that most of our street would hear it) in the way. I was cross and grumpy and vowed (again loud enough for the street to hear it) that "If you don't play with it I will give it to someone who does or throw it in the bin!!!"

BREATHE....

Total over reaction. Why? Where did that come from? I found myself wondering if something was to happen to me how would my kids remember me? As Snappy Mummy? The crazy lady who is calm one minute and then letting loose with Academy Award worthy monologues of the burden she carries. Terrible. Convicting.

I have taken on the extra bits and pieces, they haven't. I choose to do this, yes it is busy and and yes there are things not getting done as well as I like them to but it's all still working. We are eating home cooked meals. There are clean clothes to put on and my kids still love me!

Time to cut myself some slack I think. Time to know that life can get busy but in amongst it is family, is love and is the ability to say No!

A prayer...

Listen, Lord,

a mother’s praying

low and quiet:

listen, please.

Listen what her tears

are saying,

see her heart

upon its knees;

lift the load

from her bowed shoulders

till she sees

and understands,

You, Who hold

the worlds together,

hold her problems

in Your hands.

-Ruth Bell Graham

Mother...

My mother-heart is weary. I'm feeling particularly battle scarred this week. I have had way too many misses than hits and I'm tired.

Something changes in you the minute you know you are to be a mother. The world suddenly becomes... more. You see more. You hear more. Things that you could let pass you by suddenly need your attention. You need to know what you think and feel about certain things because one day a little person is going to ask for your opinion on the matter. What you have to say is gospel to this little person so you need to get your facts straight and your thoughts clear.

You are going to be their person. The one they call out to in the night. The one they miss when they venture out into the big wide world. The one that makes the hurt go away. The one that dances and sings with them. The one they know gets "it" when no one else does.

A lot has to be given up and a heart of submission has to come to truly embrace the role. A lot of time, energy, sleep and brain space. There are times when the old you is at war with the mother you and it's hard, really hard to be in the moment. The monotony of nappies, snacks, bottles, school lunches, the school run, homework etc etc can be stifling.

The pressure you can feel to get it right. To be their ALL. To empower and advocate. To not miss the opportunity of a wise word to be planted and watered to grow a lifetime of difference in their young heart.

Oh Motherhood...

I'm reminded today of a time that I spent with God two years ago. I was in a similar place to where I am today. The weight of responsibility was heavy and I felt it a load I didn't have the strength to carry. I was calling out to Him asking for His wisdom and encouragement. Where was I? How could I do this?  I needed His plan to ground me and sustain me.

"Love them, just love them...", He said.

Love them...that's all. That's it! LOVE THEM!!! Oh the relief! The feeling of freedom...

Love them... I could do that. I already was doing that! Love is what underlies all I am and all I do for them.

How like God to take me back to the essence, the simple, pure core of it,

L.O.V.E

So as I sit here with my weary heart... those words are coming back to me. I let them flow over me and I recall that God is LOVE and I yield again to that and sow it into my heart...my Mother-heart. The heart He placed in me. He walks this with me and has given me my children as a beautiful gift and I am the one for the job.

Tomorrow is a new day... They are mine and I am theirs. He is mine and I am His.